I started typing yesterday and this is what came out. I didn’t intend for it to be this long, but these are my feelings right now. Today we’ll celebrate Naomi with family, at her grave. Today is a special, special day. We are happy, but still grieving. Moving forward, but with tender hearts.
I remember vividly her entire birth like it was yesterday. I’m still stuck in a time warp sometimes. Those images will never, ever leave my mind. It was so traumatic and dramatic the way she came into this world-so easily, naturally and almost without any physical pain to my body as she was born. I will never forget how she felt, slipping through my hands onto the car floor. She was SO, SO warm from being inside of me, yet she was cold, already gone and purple. I remember looking over at Dan’s face in complete shock and devastation and he looking at me the same way.
As hard as it is not to have her here and to think back and remember all of that, I realize that had she lived, she would have suffered. Who knows how long she would have actually lived, given all of the problems she had that we weren’t aware of til the autopsy. I can say without a doubt that it’s a blessing in many ways that she passed. I knew this when we were aware of her problems a few months after, but now I’m even more sure and thankful.
That day was devastating. That day was horrific. Unimaginable. That day was the worst day of our life yet. We were beyond words of describing sad.
BUT…. with all things, time does heal. As time goes by things get better and a little easier. I truly believe that and see it as the weeks and months have gone by and we continue to move forward in our lives. I’ve learned a lot about myself emotionally and physically this last year. I know that if I can make it through this, I can make it through anything.
I’ve been in dark places, especially those first several months after. It was not pretty and it was so not fun…the worst really.
(that is my beautiful cousin Krista, who also had a stillborn son full term several years ago)I have chosen not to let this devastating experience take control of me and bring me down. I grieve outwardly and openly. I make it known that today is a good day or it’s just not. I let people know I’m remembering her on a certain day or that I miss her or that I’m thinking of her more. That’s just how I am.
Thankfully, Dan and Sam are THE best two people in my life. They make each day brighter, more joyful and I was more able to go forward and move on with them in my life. Sam especially. And, we have so much loving family on both sides and friends who have helped us, more than they’ll ever know. I didn’t just need love and support then, as I feel I’ll always need a little extra from here on out in my life.
This last year has been a long journey for me. Emotionally I feel more stable while still having a tender heart. Physically, I’m a stronger and healthier woman and that helps 1000% more to deal with things day to day.
I’d say we have come out from this last year pretty amazing, given what we’ve gone through. We are stronger as a couple, as parents, as a family, as individuals and for that, I am thankful. I am thankful that looking back on everything, Naomi has taught me A LOT. More than you all probably know.
Today we celebrate her little, beautiful body and the few hours we got to spend holding her Today is Naomi’s special day.