As the months go by, about a week before the 10th rolls around I seem to get more sad than my normal, everyday life. How could I not be? I have to wish my precious and sweet daughter and Sam’s sister a happy angel birthday and you know what? That sucks. A lot….like, times a billion. If she is anything like Sam, she would have been crawling now, one month away from walking…that’s crazy and sad to talk about but, it’s our normal. These are the things we talk about in our life.
When Dan and I were skiing together on Saturday, we were talking about how it seems like she was born and passed so long ago but the memories of how it all happened are incredibly vivid and so close. I say that every single month because it’s so very true. Despite all of those feelings I just described and the sadness, I’m at peace. We are at peace with it…BUT, just because we are at peace with it doesn’t mean it’s OK. And that, is OK.
We love to go visit Naomi’s “park.” We love to put special things there to honor her and to show how beautiful she is. She completes our family of four for now… or forever. When I envision and see my little family today, this is it. Will I feel different in 6 months or next year? I have no idea. And that, is also totally OK. I feel good and calm about it.
There is no doubt in my mind that the last six months of this weight loss journey have also been incredibly good for my emotions… not only with my grieving but for my overall mental health and being able to deal with whatever comes my way in life. I’ve been repeating this mantra to myself a lot because I really feel it describes my insides. “that which doesn’t kill you makes you stronger.” This rings so true in my life in many ways. It proves I can move forward in a very positive way with this complete and utter devastation in my life. I can accomplish goals and take on big, huge tasks and deal with whatever life brings, both good and bad. Dan and Sam make this life that much better and joyful day to day, even though my heart aches for Naomi. I am more complete with them, that’s for sure!
Happy 9 month angel birthday my girl. We love you to the moon and beyond….