I wanted to post all about our fun weekend and how I lost another 1.5 pounds and how proud I am of myself. How good I feel and how I’m making progress.
But today, I just want to write about how I’ve been feeling the past couple days. These feeling? It’s sadness. Mad. Confusion. Why me? Why us? Sometimes I’m just sad out of the blue or I keep asking myself why couldn’t Naomi have been healthy and lived. Where did we go wrong during my pregnancy and how come there were NO signs of distress? Why? I don’t like being in this place, as it feels like a whirlwind of darkness and unknown and guilt and too many questions unanswered. I DO NOT like this place, but I’ve learned it’s all part of the grieving process for me. I have to go through these feelings.
You can never know the pain and sadness and complete devastation I feel unless you’ve gone through this. It’s hard, because I know people are thinking of and love us. I know that my family and friends wish she was here too, but really? You just can’t know what this feels like. I was over helping Ali paint at her new house the other night and I just randomly told here “I’m sad” And she asked why. My only answer was, I’m thinking of and missing Naomi. Just pure wanting her here and sadness. I didn’t even get to know her, but I miss her. I’ll be fine for a week, then it just hits me for a couple days and then I’m happy and fine again. Pretty sure this is what it’s going to be like for the rest of my life. I feel as though I’ve handled this whole process pretty well so far, and we’re only at almost four months since her passing. Seems like so long ago, yet so vivid.
I want those in my life to know how I’m feeling. I’m not always happy go lucky all the time, even though that’s how I may come across. I choose to be a very happy and outgoing person in my life, and I love that. I love the feelings and happiness it brings me. But, I also want to be able to grieve and go through all of these emotions, even if I have to do it in front of any of you. I may cry at anytime and that’s totally OK. I may just be down or seem distant…that’s OK too. It’s also probably best if people not ask me when I’m having another baby cause you know what? Right now? It’s not in my plan or what I see in the near future. It’s just not. I can’t even fathom going through being pregnant and a delivery like that again. I have the best, most joyous, smart and handsome little boy in my life that cheers me up and keeps me on my toes daily. He and Dan are the light of my life and I’m 100% content with that right now and maybe forever. I don’t know. Sam has so many cousins and little friends. He has love overflowing all around him!
As much as it really sucks and how mad I get or unfair I think it is or any of a hundred other feelings I have, I’m comforted to know that she did not have to suffer on this earth and now knowing what we do about her development and other issues, it IS such a blessing she passed before. Such devastation, yet such a blessing for her little life. The days and weeks get easier, but sometimes I just need to write and get it out and let you all know what I’m really feeling, as I don’t want to talk about it 20 different times.
I felt much more peaceful and happy this afternoon when we went as a family to visit sister and see her permanent headstone. The most tender things in my life now are seeing Dan cry because of his daughter and hear Sam ask us questions as to why she isn’t here or where she is or point to her and say, “she’s in there mom and dad, she’s in heaven.” So very tender. Oh my how we love our children. Times a thousand to the moon and back.
If you’re ever thinking of us or Naomi, please send a text or email or even call. I need these small gestures, even just a short…I’m thinking of you today kind of thing. It lifts my spirits!