On being away from Sam

Yesterday when I dropped Sam off he was bawling.  Like, really really crying hard.  I thought I’d seen him cry hard before, but this was just different.  Such sadness and want for me to stay with him.  He wasn’t being mean or throwing a tantrum.  He was agreeing to go to his class and go with a new teacher, all while sobbing.  When Miss Buffy picked him up because I just had to get to work, I looked back and Sams face was pure red and the tears…oh, the tears!  I quickly got into my car and drove to work, all while trying not to feel such guilt.  I called Dan and let him know and he always knows what to say.  We’re doing the right thing….this is and will be so good for him.  After that short conversation I felt much better.

One thing I didn’t think  a lot about before having Sam (and even when he was a newborn) was just how much these feelings of not being able to control him and see his every move really (and I mean REALLY)  tears me apart sometimes.  I mean, I’m so used controlling every aspect of his life since we were together all day everyday, that this has already been a huge learning experience in how I have to learn to let go.  To know that he needs to learn  independence.  To know how to socialize, make new friends and stand up for himself.    And when he eventually goes to real preschool and kindergarten…he’ll be well adjusted to being away from me.

This whole going back to work thing was never something I would have planned on so early in his life, but for real…it’s proving to be SO good for me and my emotions and how I’m feeling about my life since Naomi.  That might seem weird or crazy to some stay at home Mom’s, but it’s just something I need to do for myself right now.  I’ve learned so much in the past 1.5 weeks that I honestly feel joyful!  I want to be learning and I want my brain to have to really, really think and problem solve.  Yes, being at home with Sam everyday is no piece of cake, but this is just a whole new set of challenges- juggling family and work (and I’m not even working full time!).

Turns out he did so well yesterday, despite some moments of sadness.  He had a new teacher and she commented to Dan when he picked him up at  how smart Sam is and how well he talks.   All of which I’m so very grateful for an don’t take for granted.  She said he kept picking up leaves and saying “this leaf is yellow.  this leaf is brown. this leaf is red” on and on.   He also started talking about his little friends and how they play trains and what their names are.  I know it will take more time for him to be really comfortable, but I’m liking our new routine.  As long as we’re all happy and thriving, we’ll continue on.  And if not and for some reason it’s just not working out a couple months from now?  Then that’s OK, as I can put work aside and focus on Sam and his needs.  Either way, I think this is a good direction for my little family.

And on a totally unrelated note, and mostly for family that we don’t see…Here’s a few photos from our session with my brother-in-law.

His name is Mark Thackeray and you must, must check out his website an blog.  Pier23.  SUCH good photos.  Thank you again Mark.  I won’t be able to decide which of these is best 🙂


3 thoughts on “On being away from Sam

  1. I agree with everything you’ve said! You are such a great Mother/wife/friend. While it is so hard watching your child be sad for you to leave, he is developing such great skills. You can see it already. And you can tell he really is enjoying the time with you even more. Just in this one play date today I could see it.
    Good job Deans. I’m so glad you guys are my friends.

  2. Liz, I feel you 100% here! First of all, your pictures are adorable. I wish I had a family member with skills like that!

    I totally understand the working mom feelings of guilt and sadness. I wish I could tell you it gets better, but it doesn’t really, you just learn to deal with it. Some days are still really hard for me to leave them. You just have to trust that he is at that age that he is going to start having experiences without you and they are good for him. And you. I love that my kids have connections to people that aren’t me and that they learn to respect and obey other adults. And it’s good for Sam to see that you have something important in your life other than him, that you have a commitment, it will teach him commitment. I was just telling Reed today about “earning” and how mom and dad go to work to earn money in order to have a house and food and toys. Use this time as a teaching time for him. He will learn to adjust to the schedule and will learn to love his school. Hang in there my friend, I totally know the emotions that you are feeling. Please let me know if you ever need to talk or just need an ear to listen to your struggles, I’ve been through them.

    Missing Naomi for you too, she is proud of you for getting out there and being happy. You are a great mom!

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