Yesterday marked three months that Naomi came and passed into our lives. For some reason, it just felt like a big milestone. I remember with Sam that three months was kind of a big deal and seeing all of my friends and family have little ones, I feel the same. I’m so thankful for a recovered and healthy body. I’m thankful for the support of my Dan, Sam, my family and friends who lift my spirits everyday. Who send me a text or email every now and again to let me know they are thinking of me…. thinking of Naomi. Those little gestures seriously mean so much to me.
Yesterday was a very busy day inbetween both of us being at work all day and having to do stuff in the evening before Sam went to bed and trying to dedicate time to play with him. I did find out that Naomi’s permanent headstone was put in place AND my brother in law Dave, got the autopsy, which we got to go over last night. Two big things on her three month passing. A lot of it is just unknowns/don’t know why or how. It was hard for me to see this and I expected that. The report was so detailed, yet so many answers left open…and that’s OK. A lot of it what we suspected right after she was born.
We do know there was low oxygen, skeletal development and lower limb growth issues. Not sure exactly when these all started, we just can’t know. I could go on and on in detail, but I’ll leave it at that. My family and closer friends…I’m sure we’ll talk more about it at some point soon.
As horrible as it sounds to say and think for some people, in reality and honesty….REAL honesty we are so grateful that she passed before. From this autopsy (and just seeing her when she was born) we know she would have had major issues that would be so hard for us to deal with. I am feeling so very blessed, now that I look back on how this all happened that she didn’t have to suffer outside of the womb. SO very grateful for that.
Even though I can’t hold her I’m feeling at peace, calm and I am happy. Yes, the memories are very vivid in my mind and I am and will still grieve forever, the pain eases as the weeks go by and I am now thinking of the blessings that have come from that devastating day.
In other news, this week has been long with having to train for work everyday. I’m learning a lot and glad to be back, but it sure is taking it’s toll on Sam…and I knew this might happen. It’s such a change for him to be with someone new everyday and be gone from me all day everyday. Last night it really showed. He was sad, mean, tantrums and you could just tell he was reacting to being so overwhelmed. UGH. He cried pretty hard when I dropped him at Kinder Care this morning and that really made me feel guilty. (Dan said he did good though all day) BUT, I know it’s only two days a week -starting next week and I do know this will benefit both of us. If for some reason work and all of this just isn’t working out or going smoothly, I’ll stop. For now though, we just need to get into our new routine and I know he’ll warm up to being with his teachers and friends there. Besides being sad, he does wonderfully napping there and doing whatever they do all day. They have nothing but good things to say about him and how smart he is.
Can’t wait for Saturday, when we can all spend the day together!